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Witze der Kategorie English Jokes - Seite 1

Bewertungen: 58
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Elderly Couple
Kategorie: English Jokes

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, “Where are you going ? ”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor. ”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick? ”

“No, he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new

Viagra pills. ”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting

on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going? ”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too. ”

He said, “Why? ”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty

old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot. ”

Bewertungen: 344
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Merry Christmas
Kategorie: English Jokes

When the snow falls wunderbar

and the children happy are,

when the Glatteis on the street,

and we all a Glühwein need,

then you know, es ist soweit:

She is here, the Weihnachtszeit

every Parkhaus is besetzt,

weil die people fahren jetzt

all to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,

kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.

shopping hirnverbrannte things

and the Christmasglocke rings.

Mother in the kitchen bakes

Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks

Daddy in the Nebenraum

schmückt a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum

he is hanging off the balls,

then he from the Leiter falls...

finally the Kinderlein

to the Zimmer kommen rein

and it sings the family

schauerlich: "Oh, Christmastree!"

and the jeder in the house

is packing the Geschenke aus.

Mama finds unter the Tanne

eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,

Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,

everybody does frohlocken.

President speaks in TV,

all around is Harmonie,

Bis mother in the kitchen runs:

im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.

and so comes die Feuerwehr

with Tatü, tata daher,

and they bring a long, long Schlauch

and a long, long Leiter auch.

and they schrei - "Wasser

marsch!",

Christmas now is in the A...

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,

hear the music, see the lights,

Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,

Merry Christmas allerseits...

Bewertungen: 336
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Australian virgins
Kategorie: English Jokes

Definition of an Australian virgin?

Girls running faster than their brothers.

Bewertungen: 223
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shaved pussy
Kategorie: English Jokes

The husband returns home from the office. He kisses his wife, then spots the cat. Horrified he asks what happened to the cats fur?

His wife replied, "You told me to shave the pussy and there it is."

Bewertungen: 81
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Sixty Years of Age
Kategorie: English Jokes

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that, " said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Bewertungen: 342
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A Senior's moment
Kategorie: English Jokes

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one", the student said loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and, (paused to take another drink of beer) ...

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said: "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

Bewertungen: 83
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson's Campingtrip
Kategorie: English Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: ”Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

Bewertungen: 3038
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Timbuktu
Kategorie: English Jokes

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".

The priest began:

"I was a father, all my life,

had no children, had no wife.

I read the Bible, through and through.

On my way to Timbuktu."

Then the Australian told his version:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,

we met three ladies cheap to rent.

They were three and we were two,

so I booked one and Tim booked two!"

Bewertungen: 174
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Love and Sex
Kategorie: English Jokes

Love is a name, sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game.

Bewertungen: 451
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Funny Bubbles
Kategorie: English Jokes

Mother put her little daughter,

twenty minutes under water.

Not to make her any troubles,

just to see the funny bubbles!

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